Marine Corps
The Origin of Top
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7
Part 8
Part 9
Part 10
Part 11
Part 12
Part 13
Part 14
Part 15
Part 16
Part 17
Part 18
19 -Missing
Part 20

Topicus and the Dirty Old Man of the Mountain


The Old Warrior was called Stevoloneious, or sometimes just the Old Man. He had made this mountain side his domain since that unfortunate thing that happened to his beloved sister, Helen. Helen was a heller for sure, but much loved by her kin and especially by many young men, up to and including first cousins once removed. There was much to be loved, I tell you. She worn the same animal skin at 21 that she wore at 12, so you can see that the edges of her body all grew and the cloths didn’t. The overflow of flesh as opposed to cloth excited the valley youth. Well, the mountain was capped by a huge cone that belched fire, smoke and ash. Young Helen liked to play around the edges of the big hole at the mountain top. The Old Man had warned her many times not to traipse about the edge of the fiery hole, and with good reason. The heat required that scant clothing could be worn. The valley youth had odd looking necks from stretching them backward in order to look up the mountain side at sweet Helen. She especially liked to pose for them, standing on one toe, at fires edge, while looking wickedly down at them. An extra little jiggle caused her to topple off into the fire and she was vaporized! It was so quick that not even an “aw Sh*t!” was heard! Stevolonious’s grief was deep and in his mind conjured up a legend of her. Not of a girl who tripped into the fire while showing her ass to the boys, but that of a martyr who gave her live entertaining the young warriors. To him she was a Saint. “Saint Helen”he thought. “By Golly, I will call this mountain after her! This will be Mount St. Helen!” Well, the boys sniggered and giggled behind the old warrior’s back. “Yeah she be a real ‘mount’ alright but she ain’t no Saint!”

The Old Man as a warrior but knew all about weapons, and was quite handy with them. He was something of a craftsman and busied himself making very nice, straight arrows, slingshots, wooden battle axes and thought himself to be a master spear maker. He was a pretty good craftsman but his spears all had crooked shafts due to his near sightedness.

The Old Man rode down to the high bluffs and looked out over the valley. A small figure was winding its way along the river that from her looked like a red ant carrying a mite. As this spec grew larger it turned up the mountainside directly toward him. This was truly unbelievable. A weird female warrior of some kind, from the strange country back East no doubt, on the back of a huge red/brown bear that dwarfed the Grizzlies that roamed about. The woman was not unpleasant to look upon. Being a hot day she had shed her outer garments and was clad on in the barest of undergarments of mink. Remember, she had come from a cold land and had to get acclimated to this hotter climate. Also remember, mink was readily available in those days. Of course the little devils (mink) were small and it took some time to make just the tiniest of garments. But somehow all the parts were held together. Well, she came riding up, on the back of the bear, and directly toward him. She and the bear were going and too and fro, swaying with the gait if the animal. What caught the old man’s eye was when the bear went too, the woman went fro, and when the bear went fro the woman went too, which caused him to get that evil grin started on an already evil face.

Stevolonious stepped suddenly from the bushes directly into the path of the bear and Topicus the traveling warrior of the FBMs. The bear reared and bellowed almost spelling the regal warrior on to her regal ass. “Whoa there big fellow”, she said in a calming voice to the bear. “And what fool is this blocking my way”? Leering, slack jawed and drooling he looked looked her up and down. “I be Stevolonious, marksman and weapons expert. Some call me The Old Man of the Mountain”. “Well, they have part of that right”, Topicus said, “Looks more like a Dirty Old Man to me!”

Topicus stood facing Stevolonious. ‘Thy comments about womenkind in general and me in particular have reached my ears. Your lustful words are exceeded only by that, drooling leer that you have developed!” she said. Anger began to get the better of his lust, “Oh, indeed I have heard of the ‘oh mighty goddess with the over size warclub’. Silas Bradbury sent word about you. It is well known throughout the land about the sneak attacks on the heads of some mighty fine warriors. Yes I have heard about thy Louisville Slugger. Dost not appear to be much, to me.” Then banishing his best spear he says, “Here be a REAL weapon! Thy shall be feeling it quickly enough if thy taketh not thy old mangey bear and get thy ample ass back down the mountain!!”

Topicus began to giggle and then laughed uncontrollably, “You call THAT a spear? Why, thy old shaft is bent and the point is worn and spent. And thy would stickest me with THAT?” Stevo knew that he had been more than just slighted! He became enraged. He knew of her rep for the head shot and had prepared an excellent defense to guard his head. The Louisville Slugger came up from the ground. The stout hickory shaft of the spear came up under his chin to parry the blow! But she wasn’t going for the chin. She caught him on the sweet spot of the Louisville Slugger, right in the middle of the left knee cap! Screams of pain and cursing reverberated about the mountain and on down into the valley.

“Well, King, looks like this case is closed”! Topicus said to the bear as she headed down and off the mountain. She was seen headed toward the Left coast and a trip down what she would later term a scenic drive.

Royal P.I.T.A.

e-mail Jim
created: Aug 8, 2003
Modified August 11, 2003